During my recent trip across the border, I spent my time reading statistics (fun stuff) on reasons given for abortion. The majority of reasons, from financial to emotional, amounted to one answer: being unprepared for motherhood. Which started me thinking, when does motherhood begin?
My health insurance company answered this question as the moment of “active labour,” but for many of us, the answer still remains as elusive as defining the role itself.
When does one become a mother? Is it the moment of conception? The first time you hear your baby’s heart beat? When you hold your small miracle for the first time?
“I had my first maternal feeling driving home from the lab after having my pregnancy test. I was so excited and wanting to race home to share the news. I realized I was driving too fast and didn’t have my seat belt on. It was a strange feeling, but great!” – Leah, mother of 2 year old Ainsley
“My first son died when he was four months old. Mother’s day followed two months later and I remember feeling like a mother, but being fearful that no one else saw me that way. When all of the mothers were called up for a special blessing in church that day, everyone was urging me to step forward. It felt really good to be recognized as a mother.” – Amanda, mother to Adam, 3 year old Angela, and baby-to-be
“I think I was in shock during the whole pregnancy. I was excited about the baby, but just found it so hard to believe. They handed me the baby and I still didn’t feel connected right away. That night he was crying in the bassinet and I felt overwhelmed with emotions. After 9 months it finally sunk in, ‘I was a mommy!'” – Sally, mother to two year old Trey and 6 month old Abbey
For some women, motherhood may begin prior to conception, with fertility treatments, prenatal vitamins, decorating and shopping for baby. The very idea of a baby has changed these women physically and mentally towards motherhood. For others, motherhood may begin after adoption papers are signed and the baby is finally brought home. After conception, is it really something that can be avoided?
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In “The Brothers Karamazov”, Doestoevsky has Mitya express his pain over the fact that when he was conceived, his father had no thought for Mitya, but only for his own transient pleasure. For Mitya, a lifetime without knowing his father’s love began at the moment of conception.
This idea that every act of sexual intercourse should begin with the knowledge and acknowledgement that it has the potential to give another person life is part of the Catholic teaching that sex belongs exclusively to the married state.
My point? If you are engaging in sexual activity, you should already think of yourself as a mother or a father.
It seems to me that motherhood might be comparable in some ways to adulthood – there are objective milestones that mark the transition, but it can also be a very subjective experience to take on this new identity. I have heard a saying along the lines of “any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a dad,” and I think that in a similar way motherhood means more than conceiving or birthing a baby. Those are starting points though, and as Jennifer pointed out, even the anticipation of motherhood can be very important to growing into that role.
As an objective milestone, I think making a baby (starting from conception) makes a mother and father, but parents also need to act like parents. Some might take longer than others to “feel” it, and some might do a better job than others, while some men and women are parents only by their genetic contribution, BUT I agree that once conception occurs, parenthood exists, and it is harmful to say (especially to young men and women) otherwise.